My husband has been on his annual training with the National Guard for 9 days now and there are still 5 more days to go. He has been away for so long and not being with him has been torture! I knew I would miss him but I had no idea it would feel like this. I feel as if my whole being is slowly tearing in two. In my head I think I am doing ok because I talk to him on the phone (thank God for Cell phones) everyday. We also send each other pictures (thank God for phones with cameras!) everyday too. Nevertheless, the aching and longing inside what I can only call my heart is never satisfied. There is something about his voice coupled with the things he says to me and the way he talks to me that always draws me into his arms. To never be able to satify that drawing is only causing the ache to grow. Its like a (dare I say it?) physical addiction and it is affecting every other part of me. I frequently feel like I am forgetting something - in truth I am missing something - or more accurately, someone. I can't seem to remember the simplest things and at the end of the day I can't recall all the ways I spent my time. I know I had my sister over last week. What day was that? What did we do while she was here? I spent the whole time waiting for his call at the end of the day. The first few days were not too bad. It was like waiting for him to get home from work on a saturday - only he never did, and still hasn't. Yesterday evening I thought of him in prayer and realized that the longing I felt for him was nothing compared to the longing that Jesus feels for us, His Bride. Gary said that his arms ache to hold me. Can you imagine the aching of the arms of God to hold us? I know beyond all things that the love and romance that God created in the art of this world is a reflection of His own heart and that every relationship reveals something of the truth of it. If so, then the aching tearing longing wonderful pain that I feel in being away from my husband is but a reflection and revelation of the truth of the aching longing that Jesus experiences all the time awaiting the day when He will be united with us forever. The joy and satisfaction and pleasure that we bring to Him even though we cannot see each other or physically hold each other just makes us fall deeper in love with Him as we hear the things He speaks to our hearts in tenderness and adoration. Yes, the Son of God adores us! We are adorable to Him! He sees our hearts, hears our voice and it endears us to Him. In the same way, if we will listen to His heart and and hear the love that is spoken in so many ways (including in word) His heart and His tenderness will draw us in to deeper love with Him.
I also realized that no matter what imperfections I see in myself, my husband still is delighted with me. I enjoyed bringing delight to my husband and thought about how much delight we must bring to the Father. He knows our weaknesses and our failures and yet there is something about us that holds His affections that goes deeper than failure and is strnger than our weaknesses. He loves us and He sees us like no one else can. You think you know the darkness of your heart, He sees darkness you don't even know about yet. Still, His love for us is unshakable. He knows we will betray Him. He knows that in our pride we will defy Him and insist we are our own ruler. He knows that we have been twisted and perverted by the world we live in and that we will choose many times to sin rather than surrender. He also knows that we long to be good, to be just, to be like Him. We long to please Him and be with Him, to embrace Him and return the love He so lavishly gives. It is this part of us, this part that says YES to His love that He responds to. It is all that matters to Him. All that other stuff - the darkness - can be dealt with. Is there a YES in our heart? This is what draws Him to us and opens ourselves to His hand. This is what ravishes His heart.
I am not perfect. I do not love perfectly. My husband is not perfect either nor does he love perfectly. Father is perfect and loves perfectly and He has given us this love with which we can love each other. This love looks at the darkness and sees it as changeable and looks at the light and sees it as unchangeable and increasing.
Yes, my arms ache to hold my husband and be held by him once again. This aching is wonderful. It tells me that my heart is truely his. No one else can satisfy this aching. Father has a wonderful ache. His heart is truely ours and no one else can satisfy that ache.
